Subtraction By Subtraction.

It’s not hard to have sex. But know yourself before you indulge in it.

After my TRASH 2015 that included two rather bad splits and other low moments, I had to look in the mirror. What is it that I’m doing that gets me into these situations where I get tied up with a girl I like, then things just go sour?

My solution was not letting myself get so emotionally wrapped up in dating, to just chill, to just “have fun.” I’ve done this before; everything worked out, for the most part. This second go-round was disastrous, not in results or quality of sex, but in the long-term effect on my mindset.

It wasn’t that my approach changed, I was a little more subtle. I’m not really sleeping over, I’m not cuddling overly long, because I don’t want you to feel as if I’m trying to nudge you into a relationship. I’m not exactly a hopeless romantic (this is a lie), but I couldn’t really operate like this. I tried, I really did…but it was not me. I was having sex and holding back my emotions because I was tired of situations falling apart.

My newfound “strategy” definitely had some rough spots. Do you know how weird it is to have good sex but also think “wow I really enjoyed just laying there and talking to you after?” My life was lacking affection (and still is), and I couldn’t say how I felt out of fear of misconstruing things. I’m Steve Urkel masquerading as Stefan Urquelle, but I’m ACTUALLY both guys. My issue is I repressed the more emotional aspects of myself because I was tired of getting stuck in doomed pseudo-situationships. My actions must match my words, and in my head that came down to cutting out cuddling and other #smooth romantic shit that I really wanted to do. Maybe I was wrong.

When you taper down your emotions, you start to attract and pursue women who are on the same page. The problem there is, some of those girls don’t give a shit about you. They might enjoy having sex with you, MAYBE even like eating chicken with you beforehand, but you are of no importance besides your filth and ability to be on time. For some guys, this is a dream situation. I was one of those guys for a couple of months; then, it was trash. Making things worse, I have a bad habit of making situations better in my mind than what they actually are, which leads to disappointment.

Things had gotten so filthy that I said to myself “I wish I could go on a wholesome date.” All I was doing was working, going to the gym, getting drunk, and having mostly-emotionless sex. That is a very jarring change from my early 20s, when I was just hoping and wishing to get my wee-wee dampened.

In the midst of all the struggling, this is what I wanted. This is what I ALWAYS wanted. Even as a child, before I knew what sex or kissing or anything really was, I vividly remember telling my dad I wanted women to really like me. He told me it would happen, just do my damn homework. That was sound advice! But I eventually got there, and it forces you to look at yourself in ways you may not want to.

If multiple women are interested in you, thats great. But the reality is unless one particularly moves you, everyone else has an expiration date. The very poor handling of the pain of my past loves has kind of ruined my view; I couldn’t just relax and “live.” This has bled into a lot of other aspects of my life. If things are going well, I can already see when it’ll going start going poorly, and I tend to fixate on it.

I knew things needed to change this year, when I started to think “I am attracted to this girl and it’s not a sexually based thing.” We’ve done nothing. Not one date, no drunken kiss, NOTHIN. It was her personality, her earnest curiosity about me, and doing just enough to show interest but never making me feel like she’s swarming me. That’s slightly out of the ordinary for me nowadays; at some point in my life, women started doing too much as it came to me, and it bothered me.

Things went wrong somewhere, and I really think it started when I started to safeguard my emotions, for fear of misleading, because I didn’t want to get myself into something I didn’t want. And now, I’m deciding to be more like myself, and deal with things as they come.

 

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Songs I like this week! (Vol. 1)

Lets get right to business, shall we?

Chris Brown – Ghetto Tales

Forever in my “Talented Shitbags” list (its extensive…..Tyson, Rick James, KELLZ!, you get the picture), I find myself never TOTALLY counting Chris Brown out. He literally does some disappointingly dumb shit every year, but he keeps churing out good music. IN COMES “GHETTO TALES”. He’s basically telling whatever girl hates him this week to cut that pride shit out and hit him up so they can smooth it out and he can take her to the Bone Zone. I would say I can relate but I don’t beg for shit but an extra BBQ sauce at Popeye’s…FOR THE FREE. Chris eventually gets his wish by the last verse, where he tells you about delivering the #meat and doing drugs with the world famous Migos flow. He’s also getting A LOT better at rapping.

Drake – On A Wave (ft. TInashe)

This shit amazing. And leaked. And extremely unfinished. This ain’t IF YOURE READING THIS ITS REPETITIVE Drake, this is “Club Paradise” , lobster tails, butter sauce, and soft weeping Drake. He’s saving girls from his busy life (a change from his regular “saving girls”), Tinashe sounds like 2015 Aaliyah (AND ITS A GOOD THING) ; everything fits together. I’m pretty critical of Tinashe (I still don’t like Aquarius/she has the personality of a crushed Cooler Ranch Dorito) but she did well here. And Amethyst is multiple fire emojis. She may just be turning turning the corner. Here’s to hoping this song gets finished (it won’t).

Beatking – I Got Hoez

I really listened to this Beatking tape for a week straight, pretty much. Pure ignorance. He says so much shit thats in poor taste but guess what, he reminds me of OLD Houston. Great voice, great ear for beats, obscure ass references, misogyny….WHAT ELSE COULD YOU WANT! Outside of how funny he is, Beatking is actually a pretty clever rapper. Short Dawg’s verse is pretty damn good too. Please check out the tape ( “Houston 3AM“).

RJ – Hoes Come Easy

“Beach fulla sand WHY I GOTTA BRING MINE???” sets the tone. Song makes me feel like I’m in a gang in LA, doing my corresponding gang walk, yelling into my cell phone to whatever girl I’m treating terribly that week. I’m also off the Henny and I have no shirt on. I would be an ultimate goon. Just hit play and tell me you didn’t nod your head AT LEAST A LITTLE. He also references choosing to bring his gun to the club instead of his girlfriend; how could you not love this?

Trey Songz – Flick

Best song about having sex and recording it since….I dunno. Melody, hook, beat…all perfect. Trey Songz is quietly putting out better music nowadays. And instead of boning your girlfriend, he is boning your EX girlfriend and telling her he is better at sex than you. It’s somewhat predictable fare but guess what, “I wanna make a MOO-VIE!” is too easy to sing and remember…so I don’t care. The song also manages to avoid cornballery, which is very easy to tread into with this type of subject matter.

Vince Staples – Get Paid

I saw some people saying they weren’t digging this song because it was “too commercial” for Vince. I don’t particularly agree. It’s just a fully formed song that’s kinda catchy with Vince getting his usual underlying point/message across. It’s gritty, its visceral….but it has that bounce! There were some other songs I coulda tossed in here from “Summertime ’06”, but this is the one that hits on all cylinders.

Stay tuned. More to come. Soon. Or never. 0_0!

EDIT: follow me on Soundcloud.

one take rav.

I’m sitting here.

I’ve wanted to write for months.

Anyway, this lady on the news is angry that they are planning to tar down a historical mansion in Teatown. The board for the estate don’t have enough money to maintain the upkeep of the house.

I feel her pain.

But my first thought was…. “fuck all that.”

Very insensitive but ….it comes from a good place.

That mansion is an earthly thing. It is preserving the past, sure. However, the past never goes away. The past is not trapped in the earthly objects you hold so near and dear. They exists as thoughts, emotions…..memories.

I’ve been throwing shit away that years ago meant EVERYTHING to me. Memories work that way: they convince you that you haven’t changed, that you still are tied to the thing that you possess.

You are not. You are a soul. A soul in body. Doing stuff. Good stuff. Bad stuff. Shitty stuff. The soul has no need for things you can touch, fold, and look at longingly when you are by yourself.

Every time I throw something out (or give something away), I feel liberated. Which makes me think did I ever need all of this stuff? I love clothes. I give them away and never regret it. I give of myself and don’t see it so selfishly. I don’t have anything to prove anymore; I never really did. It actually kind of pisses me off that I ever felt the urge to prove my worth to others.

You can see someone’s self-worth not in what they possess, but in how they treat themselves.

I’ve treated myself like shit, many a time. But I always thought I was great. No matter what.

I don’t have shit, really. But I have EVERYTHING. My life is full of love and happiness, even when I feel miserable, even when I wish things would go my way a little more. But don’t they already go my way? Don’t I get to wake up everyday? Don’t I have family and friends who love me, even when I’m a dickhead? Don’t I have a girlfriend who looks me in the eye, sees me struggle & suffer, and still treats me like I’m a king?

I didn’t always have those things. But I always had clothes. I had more money than I knew what to do with. I had women in my life who probably weren’t out for my best interests but would definitely draw the applause of peers and adversaries alike. That’s the dream. That the 20-something black male dream. But fuck that dream. It never made me feel good. It never made me feel fulfilled. It made me feel stupid.

Those earthly, empty things made me feel whole. I was empty as fuck though. I still dedicated my life to my family and my friends and just making people smile and laugh. But I didn’t have that level of dedication to myself. So I always felt stretched thin. Having the outside world think so highly of me is moving; brings me to tears. But that gripping “man, this shit ain’t right, you gotta figure out a direction” feeling didn’t go away. I always had to “prove” something. Prove I could drink. Prove I was cool. Prove girls liked me, because they didn’t for most of my life. Prove.

Nothing felt right until I had literally nothing. I was never really into material shit, but when they no longer became a regular option, everything was different. Getting your job taken away from you and not knowing what you want to do, but knowing you have talent. Knowing that if you really didn’t give a fuck about how people viewed you, it would be put to the test. I’m surviving it, I think.

I feel full, now. I still worry too much. I still have minor issues. The difference is, my problems don’t feel so large and looming. I’ve learned how to stay in the sunlight. All i need is my loved ones and belief that I will be ok. I will be ok. Every breath I take is proof of such.

Washed!

For those unfamiliar, when two rappers are on a song and one’s verse(s) happens to be glaringly better than the other rapper, we say they got “washed”. This is a regional thing; I’m from NYC, you probably say something different in your hut in Des Moines, Iowa. “He got cornhusked/irrigated” whatever you bumpkins prefer. Moving onward.

But what happens when you’re a singer and you are washing other singers, or even WORSE, rappers? I take mental notes of when this happens, and I’m going to show you a few of my favorites. This happens more often than it should, actually. *begins lecture*

HOW MANY DRINKS.

Now, I am teetering on a Miguel stan. BUT. BUT! He didn’t have to add Kendrick to this. “How Many Drinks” is a wonderfully catchy song about Mig inquiring as to how many watery Cran and Vodkas does he need to purchase for you to come home with him and get UOENO’d. I wouldve preferred the original album version with him harmonizing and hitting mad wild notes as you don’t notice he’s singing about getting hoes loose off Peach Ciroc. Did Kendrick get “washed” per se? No. Could he have just stayed home? Sure. Never did I hear this song and think “You know what this smooth tune needs??? Kendrick Lamar rapping about eating the love box.” Kendrick is still the man though. Please don’t tell security to grab me by my lengthy tank top and Jazzy Jeff me out of your show.

Remember You.

The first time I saw this online, I thought “Yes! Wiz and The Weeknd!” I hit play and listened to a rapper get ran off of his own song. Wiz had 0 business on this (yes, I’m aware it was his single). Abel drug-yodeled Wiz right up outta here. From the moment Abel said…

Girl, take pride in what you wanna do
Even if that means a new man every night inside of yoOoOoOoOoWhoOoOoOoO (OH!!!!)

….I became concerned for Wizard Khalifa. Very concerned. Just got uglier from there. Abel also said he’ll “smoke anything thats handed” to him but let’s overlook a famous singer possibly smoking wet/sherm/The Shenanigans and lets focus on him cooking Wiz. Wiz’s verses were cheeks so I’m not gonna quote em. Just know: The Weeknd ate the first verse and you can cut it off after he does the hook.

Sex Room

Ok. This song is terrible. Sex Room, as I will tell anyone who will listen, is in my top 20 favorite songs ever. That explosion you’re hearing sound is my credibility disintegrating, but so what? Every time this shit comes on, I am ¬†Richmond goon yodeling Trey’s every word, cause he killed it. The whole premise of the song is corny and Luda’s bars are super forgettable but soon as I hear that “OOOOOOO OOOOOO OOOO OOOOOOOOOO” I’m going in. Trey Songz ate FOOD on the last part. Son was just yelling “OHHHH OHHHH” mad loud in the background while dropping gems such as “Lemme get a vowel ¬†I.O.U./I.E.U. MEANS I EAT U”. Flames. This was at a time when Trey was still the RnB filth lord (that spot has been usurped by this guy).

sidenote: Sex Room finished and it started to play the rest of the album…this shit was a trainwreck. If only it was actually the Shawnna/Luda collab album it was supposed to be.

double sidenote: I googled “Shawnna” and there was an image tab that just said “Ass”. Props to Google for being just as scummy as me and knowing what I was here for. *exclusive footage of me when the page loaded*

And now, for the star of the show.

UPGRADE U.

YEAH. YEAH SON. I was playing this stupid loud in my freshman dorm, being a stereotypical #Black and making the walls shake(not via sex, because Robby at 18? Getting girls? #LOL!). Everyone was prolly like “oh he jamming that cause of that beat and that Jay verse”…….

NOPE.

I was listening to Beyonce get BARS OFF. Don’t get me wrong, Upgrade U is possibly a top 5 Jay feature verse. He did work….but he stood NO chance against….

Audemars Piguet watch
Dimples in ya necktie
Hermes BRIEFcase
Cartier top clips
Silk lined BLAYYYYYZZZUUUUHHHHSSSSS

Beyonce singing her ass off about being the ultimate equal to her man in love AND business? Touching. Then she gave him wild high fashion bars back when I had 0 idea wtf an Audemars was (a 19 year old Meek Mill heard this and then spent 2 years straight telling us about his watch. There were more RAPS but you listen to the whole song and you’ll see what I mean. She bounced back nicely after Hov Knowles went off. Unlike that one time he hopped on that Kendrick song and got put in the dumpster.

Listen. Enjoy. Appreciate singers washing people and be great.

appreciated.

So with INCREASING regularity , I find myself on Twitter. Scrolling my timeline. Being unproductive roughly 60 percent of the time. Ive noticed something…..

There is a completely ridiculous amount of arguments about super stupid shit.

Or make a foolish blanket statement about men or women or antelopes or people who eat apples.

I usually wanna argue with you and call you a moron or violate you.

When I originally thought this , the topic of the moment was gun control. Right now its Beyonce lip-syncing. In the morning it will be North Korea threatening to turn us into chalk dust.

Regardless , I’m no longer mad at people’s opinions or thoughts. As long as you have some sort of conviction and actually believe in what youre expressing.

Somewhere along the line it became cool to not give a fuck. In all seriousness….thats NOT cool. So I’m thankful that you even care enough to form an opinion or have a thought. You could just “no comment” everything but youre willing to stick your neck out there to express yourself. Thank you.

Now don’t get me wrong! If youre a troll , or the run of the mill “Devil’s advocate” tweeter , you are a clown. But if you’re being sincere , thanks for being such. Doesn’t just go for the internet either. No one cares. I’m down for you caring , even if we don’t agree.

And stop tweeting about eating butt. You weirdos. I don’t care how you feel about ass play!