So, I got curved this one time, right…..

I’ve taken a few L’s with #da ladies, in my life.

It happens.

I am now one with the Sauce, so these were just stumbling blocks along the way.

ALONG THE WAY TO GREATNESS.

Walk with me.

My Very First Curve.

Her name was Courtney.

I was in 3rd grade.

It was Valentine’s Day. My birthday. Me and Courtney had afterschool together, so we were upstairs in a classroom, gluing shit together with the other kids. I had the huuuuugest crush on lil Court (or NeeNee). Light skin (THIS IS WHEN I WAS STILL A COLOR STRUCK YOUNG BROTHER….EVERYTHANG YELLA.), big brown eyes, two thick braids wrapped around the back of her head….she was THE ONE. My little 3rd grade heart swore she was gonna be my boo one day. I dont even know what that woulda entailed…holding hands??? Whatever.

Anyway, I made my corn-muffin complected QUEEN a Valentine’s Day card. Glitter, Hearts, The works. I was nervous as shit making it and put all of my effort into this more than likely trash card. She somehow comes up to me and asks me what am I holding. Fear wraps me like my small ass private school cardigan. I try to hide it and turn away…she reaches for it, I get away…she gets a hand on it and….

She reads it.

No emotion on her angelic little face. She basically tells me “its not like that!” then………SHE THROWS THE CARD IN THE GARBAGE.

SPIKED MY SHIT IN THE TRASH! I can still see the card in the trash like it happened yesterday. I think one of the teachers even saw the card and asked her about it. That day is when I learned…Earth is a cold, cold place.

The Two Piece Curve

I had a crush on this girl I went to school with in HS. She was Guyanese. This is relevant.

Guyanese families don’t play that shit, for the most part. You can’t bring Jamal in ya house for dinner. Grandma is not going to feel you on that one.

Nonetheless, I was head over heels for her and she actually liked my funny looking ass too. We spent a lot of time together at lunch, at breakfast, around school. Just all of that cutesy stuff. I was still afraid the cheeks at this point, so I wasn’t gonna escalate it to the #SmashLands. All good.

One day on a school trip, I’m sitting next to her on the bus. My soft ass teen heart was fluttering. We’re talking and she just stops me out of nowhere.

“I can’t bring you home with me.”

It’s because I’m black, as she later explains. Her family just wasn’t partial to an American black kid like myself, or kids of my “ilk”. My mom is Trini/St. Vincentian, but I don’t particularly look it (only to girls who are lying to me and trying to flirt), and I was raised pretty American, outside of my visits to Grandma Lorna’s and Papa’s (my grandfather) house. I was sorta crushed, but I got over it. I let it go. We remained cool. I still liked her. It was what it was.

FAST FORWARD!!! I’m like…22? I get the bright idea to ask her to go to Outback (I secretly have a Kookaburra Wings obsession). She said she would be down. I took my ass out there……..never showed up. Stopped answering her phone and all that. VOICEMAIL AND EVERYTHANG. Bruh.

She just didn’t like my black ass.

The College Party Curve (Pajama Jammy Jam)

I was like…19-20. At my school, the Pajama Jam was THE event. You HAD to be there, no matter how lame you were.

Enter scrawny, young Robby. I put an outlandish amount of thought into my pajama pants-based outfit. I had to be #flee. I had to. I HAD TO KILL THEM.

I hit the party with my roommates, we split up like the savages we were. Lots of girls. A lot of foolishness. A lot of fine black girls grinding on my virginal loins.

But there was ONE….ONE….that I decided I wanted really bad. I don’t even remember why. It was some animal attraction shit. Or I was just a horny sophomore.

I pulled up on her, slid up behind her….she turned around….and time froze.

She looked me in the eyes and let off the most GUTTURAL laugh I have EVER heard.

Right in my silly ass face. Laughed like she saw Rick James grind his feet into that couch for the FIRST TIME.

I just walked away. Defeated. I’m pretty sure I heard that laugh in my nightmares.

The “You Were Almost A Legend” Curve

In high school, one of my homegirls was a lesbian. She was humping the whole school. Things were #lit. Anyway, she had a girl she was messing with, on and off.

This girl evidently saw my pictures on Sconex (basically Facebook for high schoolers who were trying to hump each other) and starts telling my home girl that she….wants me? That I’m handsome? That she’s gay but she’d go straight for me???

THE HELL?

She hits me up personally and expresses this same sentiment directly to me, and I’m pretty flattered. We talk for a long while, I accidentally see her butt in my phone, YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW HOW IT GOES.

We keep talking over time and she finds out I’m a virgin. She slides it out there that “you could practice on me, if you want”.

SHE WANTED ME TO PRACTICE ON HER “NEVER HAD HETERO SEX” LOVE BOX. PRACTICE. WE TALKING ABOUT……PRACTICE.

Being the young filthball I was, I agreed. She wanted to meet up first, and we set a date. We had never met up to this point but we clearly shared pics. She was an attractive girl.

Pizza date. I was hype. Put on my little ‘fit, threw on my Nike winter jacket, I WAS KILLING THEM, FO’ SHO’.

I get to the spot and she told me she was gonna be a little late. Cool.

Half hour passes. She’s not picking up. Then she’s sending my calls to VM. Hour passes.

She’s not coming, dog. I ate my pepperoni pizza slice, and went outside…AND GOT SOAKED.

I came home and tried to tweet her…SHE BLOCKED ME.

She was not about what was she was talking about, and powerfully curved me and disappeared.

She’s kinda huge in NYC on Twitter now and still has me blocked.

STILL.

STILLLLLLLLLL.

I would have been famous like MJ amongst my friends for that sex that I never got. And I wanted it. BUT ALAS….it was not in the cards.

I tell you that, to say this………..keep on trucking. Rejection is no big deal, success is on the way.

the innanet goin nuts.

A few years ago I was dating/messing around/who knows with someone. Now this was a light , fun situation. Respect and smiles and all that. We never really beefed (maybe because it wasn’t super serious). Point is , it was a good time. I was like 19-20 and so was she.

So summer ended and we had to return to our rightful schools. We remained cool but kinda left it where it was due to circumstance. No big deal to either of us. Now , in this time at school a certain website was picking up steam.

That website???

If you weren’t in the loop  then , Juicy Campus was a gossip site based on colleges. It separated each school into message boards , where rumors and such were posted.  In hindsight , this shit is childish. In like 07-08 , THIS IS ENTERTAINMENT IN ITS PUREST FORM! Not to mention that some of these “rumors” were factual.

Anyway , I kinda always desired to make Juicy Campus for some lewd shit. I would’ve took some hate too…I didn’t get enough of that in college. Alas , Juicy Campus superstardom was not in the cards for me. However , one night , I had the BRIGHT idea to type her name into the search box and see what came up. I went to her school (no I’m not telling you) and put her info in. I hit “enter” and braced myself……

There were 1 or 2 results. One had no mention of her. But the other said…..

“Best (SEXUAL ACT GIVERS) at (HER SCHOOL)?”

STUNNED , IS WHAT YOUNG ROBBY WAS! Yet I still clicked out of pure curiosity. I know the internet is something you have to take with a grain of salt but….I believed this. I clearly had my reasons. There she was in a list of about 15 girls. Being that we were already done for the most part…I wasn’t tripping. I laughed. Connected the dots because SAID ACT was PRETTY GOOD but GOODBYE. I then got paranoid right after like….Rob….if she doing it enough that she damn near in the internet hall of fame for it…perhaps you should get checked ASAP.

So I did it. Peed in that cup from three point range and bought it right back to the school clinic. Funny thing about the clinic: If I ever walked by and saw you in there? I assumed you had the clap. Every time. I don’t care.

With my FANTASTIC luck , of course the nurse helping is maybe a year or two older than me and she is BAD. So here I am , getting tested , with a light skin princess holding my piss cup. She also decided to test my blood. She pricked my finger and I jumped like a bitch. She gave me the coldest “I might’ve been slightly interested but you here getting a STD test AND you soft like baby shit.” I just let that blood drain and slid up outta there.

Thankfully I came out with a clean bill of health. This situation didn’t make me paranoid or anything either. I’m definitely not one of those “IMMA GOOGLE THIS GIRL!” dudes. Make sure your girl ain’t on HGF though. 0_0!