I was worried all week.
At that time, I was worried most weeks.
Afraid that I’d wake up, and she just wouldn’t want to talk to me anymore. That she’d find someone better. Not that I don’t treat her as well as I can; or treasure her presence like a clear night sky or a warm summer night. But there’s always better. Always.
Afraid that we’d just stop talking over something stupid. Or there would be something about her that I just couldn’t deal with. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because there’s always a shoe. I was so concerned that I was fraying at the edges, making mountains out of molehills. Except this was a little worse; the molehills were purely of my imagination.
So….I pick up my phone and begin to type frantically into IMessage. This is a summary of what I said:
“We’ve been talking a few months, and we’re getting serious, but im not ready to get married soon, even though we aren’t even official yet, and I’m concerned about the marriage thing because I lowkey feel overwhelmed by the fact that you’re a little older than me and so focused, yet, I’m younger and a fucking mess(P.S. I’m not admitting this last sentence until after the fact).”
The actual message read like the ramblings of a madman. She’s asking me “What are you saying?”. I’m explaining. It’s hitting me….I have no idea what I’m saying. She keeps working with me, even though I’m clearly losing my mind and don’t know what point I’m even attempting to make. Her response, amongst other things, is why she is very, very special to me. (more paraphrasing)
“We are hypothetical, it could all end out of nowhere. I don’t want it to, but I don’t worry about what’s next. Of course, I’ve thought about how you might ask me to be your girlfriend one day, but I don’t dwell on it. I just try to enjoy what we have. I also haven’t really thought about marriage, thats years away. I’m not ready for that either!”
Relief. I felt relief. But through that entire text conversation, I felt myself getting more and more upset. Not because of her or anything like that; but because of something going on internally. Around the middle of the conversation, I was blinking back tears and admitting that I felt so stressed and out of sorts because….I’ve really never gotten to this point with a girl I really liked.
I didn’t know what to do. There was no bullshit between us; all of our times are good. In the absence of negative energy, or me being pissed, or her doing some ridiculous shit…I filled it with worry. I was afraid. Afraid this would go how it usually goes; things go well and then things just go to shit. I’d like to say I’ve become numb to it; I have not.
Regardless, here I was, destroying a good thing for absolutely no reason. I called her later that night because when you text someone a shower of emotion, its the LEAST you could do. I also had to do something else I’m not familiar with: talk her out of rinsing her hands of me.
We planned to go on a date that weekend and she texted me (the same night of this discussion) that maybe we shouldn’t see each other that weekend because “maybe you need to figure things out”.
Ok. Full disclosure: I was begging like fucking Keith Sweat. NEVER IN MY LIFE, HAVE I DONE THIS. Girls do not cut me off, ever. It legitimately happened ONCE, my entire life. Either we just agree to go our separate ways or I end it. If a girl wants to go, I accept it, I keep sliding. She wanted to allow me time to sit down and all I saw was “this shit OVER, ROBBY!”. I couldn’t allow that to happen. Her reasoning behind canceling was due to her feeling that I was insincere about wanting to be around her, and I understand why.
My original text message was the type of shit guys say to girls when they want to create some distance. I didn’t want distance. I wanted clarity on my own made up concerns. Only I had the answers.
To bring things up to speed, I’m still working through the paranoia from my past, and pouring myself into my current situation. I never believed I was self destructive, but I clearly have the traits. I will work through my shortcomings, because she is important enough to me that I will address them. Life provides you with plenty of good things, but to squander them because of your own fears is paying the universe a disservice.