Worst summer of my life.
I would love to tell you that it was just 3 months of struggle and INCREDIBLE emotional anguish, but that would be false.
It was MOSTLY struggle and emotional anguish. I still, somehow, got a lot out of it.
Love them while they are with you.
I knew, in my heart of hearts, that my relationship was doomed.
I knew it. I tried my hardest still, don’t think I’ve tried that hard at anything.
Didn’t work. But when I felt us very quietly and subtly hitting those dire straits, and that building dissatisfaction (it feels like nausea that does not cease), I decided to do something.
I decided to value every single good moment we had, and to feel honored to share her presence.
Good times do not last forever, so please…please…..squeeze every ounce of happiness out of them that you can.
I cherished every high and faced every low.
Until the low was too much for me. My appreciation and honesty and dedication to a journey that had no light at the end of the tunnel was not enough to keep my relationship from ending so jarringly.
But I don’t regret my relationship, or how poorly it ended, nor do I feel bad for putting effort forth and still failing.
I’m glad I did it. I learned who I am; I learned who my significant other was. I learned who my friends were.
I don’t speak to my friend of …13 years, over this shit. I loved him too. I loved my girlfriend. They simply could no longer be in my life, they were killing me.
However, I won’t die internally at your hands. No, I will not.
I loved the two of them as much as I could, until my very being gave away. Until I couldn’t.
One person simply threw my trust and good will out of the window; the other just…doesn’t support me when I needed him too.
Loving someone so much that you would happily tear your own heart to shreds, to save them from themselves. A worthwhile sacrifice.
And I’ll do it again, with someone else.
The inherent darkness of my split(s) this summer have made me appreciate the good times with everyone…because they do not last forever, and I must be at peace with that.
There is no shame in being a broke boy (or girl).
I mean, really, I’ve been broke for about a year, mostly.
My brokeness SPIKED in the last 6 months or so, along with my break up, loneliness, my worsening depression, my inability to find a job, and no longer being friends with a close friend.
All at once.
So I was pretty much in an endless cycle of misery and loneliness that kinda never…stopped? The carousel is turning as we speak.
I had nothing, I felt worthless, I could not do what I want.
I still don’t have anything, really, but I don’t feel so worthless. Not so often.
Me not having money is somewhat out of my hands. I’m certainly doing what I need to do to get jobs, it’s just not coming together at the moment. So, I am slowly not beating myself up over it anymore and just trying to live.
I’ve had A LOT of money. I’ve had NOTHING. Money is cyclical, it will come back to me in due time.
I can only try to become my best self and keep applying, and keep thinking of places that I can contribute to, and roles I’d like to fill one day.
I only don’t feel so worthless, because people have shared words and time with me.
And because money isn’t everything, and it doesn’t define me, and it never has.
People will light your darkness with their honesty.
Knowing how badly I was doing this summer, I’ve had a lot of heart to hearts with a lot of people. Some who have been very close to me for quite some time now. Some who I was cool with, but not much more. Some I barely knew.
I was just seeking clarity. In that search, people have admitted to really painful things that made me feel like “I am not alone, here”. They showed me what love was, in a different light. They told me I would be ok, when I didn’t think I would. I’m still not ok, actually. Without their words, I wouldn’t even be on the road to “ok”.
I would be in the depths.
And I spent most of the last 3-4 months, in the depths.
Still, people reached out to me, texted me, hung out with me, emailed me, even though I was a total fucking burden, and surely no fun to be around. I appreciate you fine folks, for real for real. if you knew of my situation and shared a word with me, you’re good with me. I have no idea how I can repay that, but I’ll find a way, somehow.
I am just gracious for what was once part of my life, that which is no longer, that which I have now, and that which I will have later.
That is all that matters.